How the Adaptive Self Develops: Understanding the Protective Self We Send into the World

(Part 1 of a Series on Authenticity and Leadership)

For many of us, there comes a moment in life when the path you’ve been walking no longer feels fully your own. On the surface, everything may look as it should, but deep inside, you begin to sense a subtle gap — a delta — between the person you present to the world and the person you know yourself to be.

Here’s the good news: no compelling story ever begins and ends with the hero knowing exactly who they are and where they are going every step along the way. It’s in the contours of our journey — the moments when we stray, adapt, or even get lost — that we uncover parts of ourselves worthy of reclaiming. These are the experiences that shape the wisdom we carry with us on the path back home, more aligned and authentic than before.

Understanding the Adaptive Self

In leadership and life, many of us construct a version of ourselves that we send out into the world — a version carefully crafted to navigate societal pressures, avoid vulnerability, and gain approval. This version of being, which I call the Adaptive Self, often forms without us even realizing it. It begins as a survival mechanism, helping us meet external expectations and protect ourselves from discomfort.

Over time, the Adaptive Self becomes reinforced by workplace dynamics, social expectations, and leadership roles. In environments where conformity and compliance are rewarded, this adapted persona allows us to succeed by meeting external expectations. However, in doing so, it often pushes our true selves into the background, leading to an increasing sense of disconnection.

Reflection Prompt: Recognizing Your Adaptive Self

• Think about a situation in your life — at work, at home, or in a social setting — where you’ve felt the need to adapt or mask part of who you are. What drove this adaptation?

Journaling Prompt:

• Write about a time when you felt most aligned with your true self and a time when you felt disconnected. How did each experience feel? What factors contributed to each?

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Why the Adaptive Self Forms: Protecting Ourselves from Vulnerability

At its core, the Adaptive Self is a shield — a protective armor we put on to navigate environments where being truly seen feels too risky. Brené Brown, renowned for her work on vulnerability, explains how shame and the fear of judgment can cause us to hide parts of ourselves in order to fit in. Many of us quickly learn that, in certain spaces, being vulnerable can make us feel exposed, and that exposure can come with real emotional risks — rejection, criticism, or even failure to meet the high standards we or others set for us.

In these moments, the Adaptive Self steps in. Rather than showing our true emotions or imperfections, we adopt a persona of control — projecting a version of ourselves that feels safer, more acceptable. This armor allows us to navigate the social and professional expectations placed on us. In environments where control, perfection, and compliance are rewarded, this emotional armor becomes a tool for survival. We hold ourselves together, ensuring that we appear in control, even when internally, we may be struggling.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”— Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

But over time, the more we lean into this protective control, the more disconnected we become from our authentic self. We begin to realize that the cost of control is steep. While it may shield us from vulnerability, it also weighs us down — numbing our ability to connect deeply with others and with ourselves. The armor that once protected us now becomes a barrier to living fully and authentically.

Reflection Prompt: Emotional Armor and Control

• In what situations do you feel most compelled to project control? What does this control protect you from, and how does it impact your ability to be vulnerable?

Journaling Prompt:

• Think about a time when you chose to show control over vulnerability. How did that choice feel in the moment? How did it affect your relationships or connection with others? What might have changed if you had allowed yourself to be more open?

  
  

Unconscious Roles: The Stories We Live Without Realizing

While we may be aware of some of the masks we wear, much of the Adaptive Self operates beneath the surface, shaped by unconscious stories we’ve carried throughout life. These stories often run deep, forming the narratives that tell us who we should be and how we should show up in the world.

James Hollis, a renowned Jungian analyst and expert on the inner life, delves into the ways in which these unconscious roles are inherited — passed down through family, culture, and societal expectations. Hollis teaches us that the roles we play are often not ones we choose consciously. Rather, they are the result of subtle conditioning over time, shaped by the environments and relationships we grew up in. These inherited roles become the blueprint for how we navigate the world, dictating what we believe is acceptable or unacceptable about ourselves.

“We all find ourselves living in a story set in motion long before we arrived. Our task, over time, is to reclaim the authorship of our own lives.”— James Hollis, Living an Examined Life

As Hollis suggests, we enter into a story that has already begun, with expectations placed on us before we fully understand them. Early in life, we learn which behaviors are rewarded and which are discouraged, and these lessons stay with us — informing the roles we adapt in various settings. In leadership, this might look like playing the role of the unshakable leader — the one who always has the answers, never shows weakness, and maintains an air of certainty, even when uncertainty is present. At home, it could mean taking on the role of the caretaker, prioritizing the needs of others while setting aside our own desires.

Over time, these unconscious roles become so ingrained that we often forget they were adaptations in the first place. We mistake them for our true selves, and the longer we live out these roles, the more we risk becoming disconnected from our deepest values and desires.

The wisdom of Hollis reminds us that our task is not to reject the roles we’ve played but to become conscious of them. When we bring these roles into awareness, we can see them for what they are — adaptations that may have served us at one time but no longer align with the authentic life we wish to lead. By recognizing these stories, we can begin to choose which roles to keep and which to release, slowly reclaiming the authorship of our lives.

Reflection Prompt: Unconscious Roles

• Think about a role you’ve played — either in leadership, family, or relationships — that you took on without thinking. How did this role develop? Which roles feel authentic, and which feel like you’ve adopted them to meet external expectations?

Journaling Prompt:

• Reflect on a role you’ve unconsciously played for a long time. How did this role develop? How does it serve you, and where does it hold you back? What might it look like to live without this role?

The Delta Between the Adaptive and Authentic Self

As we move through life, the gap — or delta — between who we present to the world and who we truly are begins to widen. At first, the delta might feel subtle — a quiet sense that something is off. We might ignore it or push it aside, convincing ourselves that our outward success or our ability to meet expectations is enough. But as the delta grows, so does the tension it creates within us, making it harder and harder to project the version of ourselves we’ve been relying on.

The delta is more than just discomfort — it is an urgent signal from within, telling us that the life we’re living is no longer in full alignment with who we are becoming. The larger the delta, the more difficult it becomes to sustain the Adaptive Self without feeling the weight of disconnection. Living in this gap can lead to burnout, dissatisfaction, and an increasing sense of restlessness. When we ignore the delta, we often find ourselves exhaustedby the effort of maintaining a persona that no longer fits.

James Hollis speaks deeply to this feeling of disconnection. He teaches us that the more we feel out of sync with our inner life, the more urgent the call becomes to adjust course. The tension we experience is a sign that we are ready for new chapters and that something within us is asking for realignment. Hollis challenges us to ask: What is wanting expression through us? This growing gap — the delta — is a sign that it’s time to step back and reassess, to listen to what our inner self is calling for.

The bigger the delta, the clearer it becomes that we are being asked to move in a new direction, to shed the layers of the Adaptive Self that are holding us back and step into a more authentic version of who we are.

Reflection Prompt: Exploring Your Delta

• Where in your life do you feel the greatest gap between the person you present to the world and the person you feel yourself to be inside? What emotions arise when you think about this delta?

Journaling Prompt:

• Think of a moment when you felt a growing disconnection between your authentic self and the version of you that you project to the world. What sparked this awareness? How did it feel to realize that gap existed? Reflect on the emotions and thoughts that surfaced in that moment. What did you learn from that experience, and how did it shape your path forward?

Societal Expectations and Intersectionality: Adapting to Fit In

For many of us, the Adaptive Self is not only shaped by personal experiences but also by the societal pressures that tell us who we are expected to be based on our race, gender, class, and other identities. bell hooks, a visionary writer and cultural critic, speaks deeply to how these intersections of identity affect the way we present ourselves to the world.

In her work, hooks explores how society privileges certain identities over others, creating layers of adaptation for those navigating systems that don’t always see their full value. For marginalized groups, the Adaptive Self often forms as a survival strategy, a way to minimize parts of ourselves to succeed in environments that weren’t designed with us in mind. Whether it’s adapting to a workplace culture that upholds certain ideals or conforming to societal norms that feel restrictive, the Adaptive Self becomes a tool for managing expectations that aren’t always aligned with our authentic selves.

“When we choose to love, we choose to move against fear — against alienation and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect — to find ourselves in the other.”— bell hooks, All About Love

bell hooks invites us to see radical self-love not just as an act of personal healing but as an act of resistance against the systemic forces that tell us we need to conform in order to be worthy. In a world that often values control, perfection, and compliance, particularly for marginalized identities, the choice to embrace and love our authentic selves becomes a revolutionary act. It is an assertion that we are worthy of showing up fully, even in spaces that might not fully embrace us.

For hooks, this self-love creates a bridge — a way to cross the delta that exists between who society wants us to be and who we truly are. The Adaptive Selfis often shaped by the need to survive in systems of inequality, but the path toward authenticity requires that we confront those forces and reclaim our full selves. When we choose to love ourselves, we give ourselves permission to step outside the expectations that have been placed on us, creating space for our true nature to emerge.

Reflection Prompt: Societal Expectations and Identity

• Think about how societal expectations around your identity — race, gender, class — have shaped the way you present yourself in certain environments. Where have you felt the need to adapt or minimize parts of yourself to fit in?

Journaling Prompt:

• Reflect on a time when you felt pressure to conform to societal expectations that didn’t align with your true self. How did it affect your sense of identity? What might it look like to show up more fully as your whole self, even in environments that weren’t designed to embrace you?

A Call to Gentleness and the Path Forward

As we explore the gap between the Adaptive Self and the Authentic Self, it’s important to remember that this journey requires patience and self-compassion. The delta between who we’ve become and who we truly are is not something to fear or rush through — it is a space for deep reflection and realignment. The discomfort you may feel is an invitation, not a punishment. It signals that you’ve outgrown the version of yourself you once needed to survive, and that you’re now ready to step into something truer, something more aligned.

James Hollis reminds us that we are all living in a story that began long before we arrived, shaped by roles and expectations that weren’t always ours to choose. But with awareness comes the opportunity to reclaim authorship of our lives. The Adaptive Self has served its purpose, often protecting us from vulnerability, societal pressures, or the risks of stepping outside the norm. bell hooks calls on us to resist the forces that tell us we need to conform to be worthy, reminding us that the act of loving ourselves fully — even the parts we’ve hidden — is a radical and liberating choice.

As you move forward, be gentle with yourself. The process of realigning with your authentic self is not a single step, but a series of small, compassionate adjustments. There is no rush to resolve the delta between who you are and who you present to the world. Allow the answers to unfold at their own pace. Take time to listen to the whispers of your inner self, asking what is ready to be expressed.

In our next article, we’ll explore the limitations the Adaptive Self imposes, and how we can begin to gently release the layers that no longer serve us. We’ll look at the ways in which the Adaptive Self holds us back from our full potential — both in leadership and in life — and how we can create space for a more authentic, empowered version of ourselves to emerge.

This is a journey of becoming. Allow it to be slow. Allow it to be kind. And trust that you are exactly where you need to be.